Hey guys, what’s up? So a couple weeks ago on episode 33, I did a breakout session with some of Three More students, and I coached them one-on-one for the podcast, right. Do you remember? It got so much positive feedback. So many viewers and listeners for this podcast were just delighted to actually hear one-on-one coaching, how it goes down, what it looks like. Because we got so much feedback, we decided to do it again.
So today I’m sitting down with Ella Rutledge. She is a reiki master. She is opening her brick-and-mortar business this January. She’s going to have staff members. She’s going through all of the process of opening up a brick-and-mortar. If you’ve ever opened up a brick-and-mortar, you know the heebie-jeebies that I’m talking about. It is scary. It is exciting. It is nerve wracking.
She is dealing with success intolerance. This is the intolerant feelings that you have towards success when it’s not matching the identity that you’re used to, okay? So you’re going to see how this shows up. You’re going to see how I coach her on it, and what I offer to get past it. So this is episode number 35. I am your host Becca Pike, and it is time for your weekly dose of Hell Yes Coaching. Let’s go.
Hey, guys. I’m Becca Pike and welcome to The Hell Yes Entrepreneur podcast, the number one show for entrepreneurs looking to create their first six-figure year. If you’ve got the drive and you know how to hustle but you’re not sure where to channel your energy, we’ve got the answers. Let’s dive into today’s show.
Becca: Hi, good morning.
Ella: Good morning. How are you?
Becca: I’m good. How are you doing?
Ella: I’m very nervous. I just get really nervous whenever people are like okay, I’m giving you feedback. But I’m here. I signed up for it. I’m totally fine. But yeah, just so you know I’m nervous.
Becca: Yeah, it’s normal to be nervous. This coaching session will just feel like love the whole time. I’ll do my best.
Ella: Gosh, okay.
Becca: So let’s get right to it.
Becca: How is your business doing? Can you tell me what’s up?
Ella: Yeah. So it’s going well. I think that’s kind of the problem. I feel like I don’t have a problem to fix, but I know that it can be better, and I want it to be better. I don’t know how much you remember from our call two years ago.
But basically I have like this grand idea of creating this wellness retreat in Lexington that is this perfect combination of spiritual and also like spa. Because I feel like right now there are only like the very superficial spas like just come and relax and that’s all there is to it. Then there’s kind of like the hippie stores. You know. You get it. So I want to kind of combine the two.
So everything I’ve been doing is kind of like building up to that moment. I’m still not there yet, but I am in this place now where I have a physical location that I’m opening in January. I have contractors that I’m going to start bringing in late January or February. I guess it’s feeling overwhelming because it’s feeling more real. Yeah. It’s a lot.
Also I watched the last breakout rooms that you did with the other Three More students. I’m glad I watched it because I felt like I had a lot of their same mental roadblocks. Just like stopping myself from doing things because I’m like where can I find a problem to center in on. And just kind of stop myself there and say I can’t move forward because there’s this problem that doesn’t actually exist and it’s all in my head. So yeah. That’s where I am.
Becca: So you’re opening a brick-and-mortar in January. Everything is going decently smoothly. You have contractors that are coming on, and you’re just feeling overwhelmed by the fact that it’s successful or overwhelmed by the fact that you have so many moving parts?
Becca: Okay. How does it show up for you? What happens when you start feeling overwhelmed?
Ella: There’s a heaviness and racing in my heart.
Becca: Okay. Is it excitement or is it like doomsday is about to happen?
Ella: No, it’s definitely excitement. It feels like I just drank a shit ton of coffee. I’m like okay, we’re ready to go. I want to be like don’t drink the coffee. You have enough energy. It’s okay.
Becca: Yeah. Listen, I hate to say it, but you might have asked for coaching just for me to say yep.
Becca: That’s exactly where you’re supposed to be. Listen whenever I was opening my brick-and-mortar, I wanted to die. I was so excited, nervous, terrified. There’s so much more pressure. Once you have contracts that are signed, you have money on the table, you could lose a lot of money. You don’t know if it’s going to work. You’ve got people that are going to work for you. You’ve already signed them on. They haven’t started. You don’t know if you’re going to get them to be filled up. Yeah. So you’re in the feels right now.
Becca: So what can you do? So a lot of the feeling that you’re feeling is just the thought that you’re out of control, right. Like everything is out of your control when it’s probably never been more in control in your entire business existence, right?
Ella: Right. That’s the purpose of moving into my own space is so that I have full control.
Ella: And that’s something I’ve been…I’m in between coaches now, but I had her up until a few months ago and I’m going to start with someone else in January. I’ve been working with her and also on my own of this idea of like I say I want more responsibility, and that’s what my end goal is. At the same time, I’m terrified of that responsibility. Anytime I notice how much I have, or I start working towards more, I’m like never mind. I just want to hide and stay in bed all day and someone else will figure it out.
Becca: Yeah. Well, let me ask you this. What’s your worst case scenario? It goes under how much money do you use? What do you have to do? What is it that’s really bothering you? What is it that if you had to do this, it would just feel awful?
Ella: So interestingly I’ve thought about that. I mean I would have so many options worse case scenario. It would be embarrassing that that didn’t work out, but I know I would be okay because I have so many tools under my belt that I could go get a job somewhere. Whatever. I don’t want to be embarrassed. I don’t want to fail, but that’s not the thing that’s eating at me.
I think what’s eating at me is more so like not having clarity on what I myself am doing. I think the moving parts of hiring contractors on and moving on to being more background is scary to me because again, that’s what I want. At the same time, I love working with my clients and I love hosting classes. I just love being in the trenches basically with my clients. So what’s scary to me is letting go of the reigns a little, I guess. Not being, I don’t know, the main practitioner in my business.
Becca: Okay. Is that what it is? Is it not being the main practitioner or is it not having clarity about the background? Which one is heavier?
Ella: Not having clarity.
Becca: About the backend stuff?
Becca: Well you know there’s this thing called 30 More.
Ella: I know.
Becca: Where I teach you to hire, train, manage, fire, and do the entire backend of brick-and-mortar businesses.
Becca: So what is it that you feel like you don’t have clarity on?
Ella: Mostly what I’m doing. Because this past year, 2021, has been very chihuahua, like you put it. Like I felt like I’ve cut so much out of my offerings. Yesterday when I watched the breakout rooms, I wrote down like what all did I do in 2021 and what am I planning in 2022? Even though it looks cleaner in 2022, I feel like I just shifted things. Like instead of doing five things here, I’m going to do five things here.
So I’m trying to narrow it down and be like how do I just have one offer? When I had a call with John, I think in 2020, this was basically the same problem. We came up with VIP days, which sounded really great. But then I got multiple under my belt, and I was like I actually don’t like doing all the services I have to offer in one day for one person. Like I would rather that be a retreat or something that I do with a group of people. I like my one-on-one coaching and reiki clients, and then everything else I like doing with group where it’s like meditation and movement and those other aspects.
So yeah. I’m having issue on narrowing down. I keep wanting to do like just reiki and coaching as a package, but then I really loved doing these group sessions of all these other things. So I don’t know how to cut it out and still feel fulfilled.
Becca: What if you knew it was coming back once you got your offer successful?
Ella: I think that would make me feel better. That’s something that I took away from, again, the breakout rooms where you were saying like you start out with one-on-one and then you add in group and then you add in a course. Because I think that if I knew it would be these building blocks, that would make me feel more comfortable.
Becca: For anyone that’s listening to this, if you’re listening to this in the future, she’s talking about the breakout rooms in the Three More portal. So we have a lot of moving parts happening right now.
Ella: Yeah, yeah.
Becca: So I have written down that there’s a small part of you that doesn’t want to feel embarrassed. I know that it sounds like you have that under control, but I want you to consider how capable you are of feeling the feeling of embarrassment. You probably saw in the breakout room where I was coaching, like there’s no feeling that you’re unwilling to feel. There’s no action you’re unwilling to do. So if you’re capable of feeling embarrassed, then you’re capable of building an empire.
So I want you to settle into what that actually means and what that actually feels like. Like I’m willing to do whatever it takes and make myself look however it lands, however the chips may fall because I am going to take this risk. I am capable of feeling embarrassed. I’m capable of feeling it in my body. I’m capable of hearing people say things. I’m capable of hearing snark comments from my family members. Whatever it is that embarrassing looks like to you. Like you are 100% capable of that emotion, right?
Becca: Pushing away embarrassing, it’s really embracing it. It’s really embracing the feeling of embarrassment and knowing that you can handle it. Okay? Then also like not having clarity about these backend things. Of course you don’t. No one has ever taught you. Did your last coach? Is your new coach going to teach you how to manage and fire and hire and train and like win to hire and how to fill them up? Is that part of the curriculum?
Ella: Yeah. So that’s why I’m switching over to her because she’s a business coach who deals with those very tangible things of how do you open a space and have contractors and delegate and yeah. Everything you’re saying.
Becca: Okay. So you’re going to have the answer to all of that.
Becca: Okay. So what’s the problem there? Is it just that you feel like a lack of clarity in this moment before you start with her?
Ella: Yeah. I think I feel like I have to have it all figured out before the doors open. If I don’t, I don’t even know. I don’t even know how to finish that sentence. I just feel like I’m not prepared if I don’t go in knowing everything. It feels like I’m taking a test, and I haven’t studied.
Becca: Have you ever listened to me coach anything about how it [inaudible]?
Becca: Have you ever [inaudible] for years?
Ella: Yeah. I don’t know. Like I know all this stuff. Like again in the breakout rooms and also this past week’s Three More call, it feels all the same. I know what I would tell someone else. I know what I know. Yet I can’t stop feeling this way. I’m like maybe I need answers somewhere else. That was funny that Suzy said that in the breakout rooms too. She was like, “I think I just keep looking for answers, and every time I look for answers I realize I had the answers all along.” That’s what happens every time for me too.
Becca: Yeah. So let me ask you this. You have a space. You have the props and equipment that you need. You have the knowledge to provide the service. You have a way of accepting payment.
Ella: I already have clients on the book.
Becca: You’re ready to open. You are going to need to learn and really absorb how to manage people if you’re bringing on contractors. Like I would not suggest just winging it as a boss. I did that. I learned a lot. I would highly encourage you to find someone who has learned a lot before you and just follow them instead of trying to wing it yourself.
You’re dealing with other people’s lives now. You’re dealing with their paycheck, with their feelings, with their fulfillment in their career, right. It is a big deal. We take that very seriously like how to manage people and how to have a fantastic work culture, right? That part of it, it sounds like you don’t have 100% fully capable ability yet, but that’s what you’re going to learn with your future coach, right?
Becca: Okay. So you’re allowed to feel not ready. You’re going to always feel not ready. I don’t even feel ready. I don’t feel ready. Like we’re getting ready to talk about opening the next location of Massage Strong, and I’m like do we even know how to do this? Are we allowed? Those feelings are always going to come up no matter what stage you’re in, no matter where you’re at.
A lot of times people become so debilitated in their first business. Whether it’s their online business or their first brick-and-mortar, they’re so debilitated because they think that they’re not supposed to feel the way that they’re feeling. When I’ve opened multiple locations, multiple businesses, this feeling it always the same. It’s always requestioning yourself, going over the details, making sure all your I are dotted and your Ts are crossed. Looking backward, looking forwards, studying, making sure that you’re doing it right. This is exactly what you’re supposed to feel like.
Ella: Okay. Your question of are we allowed hits it on the nail. I think I’m waiting for someone to tell me I’m doing it wrong and basically that I’m doing it wrong.
Becca: What if somebody comes up to you and says you’re doing it wrong? Then what?
Ella: I think that would make me feel better. Like okay, there’s a hater out there. It happens every step, right. Because without getting too in the weeds, life transformation a few years ago. It felt like because almost everyone thought I was crazy and was telling me I was throwing away a great life. Which on paper, I was, but I knew there was something wrong and I needed to change my life.
I did it, and every step of the way was terrifying. I felt like the people who were telling me wrong almost like helped fuel that fire. Because I was like when you tell me I’m wrong and I question myself and then I know what I’m doing is right, that makes me feel better.
Even though it’s so twisted and backwards, right now I have so much support from my inner circle. I think that makes me feel like what if they’re just being yes men and I’m actually going to fail? Like I need someone to tell me that I’m doing things wrong for me to have that feedback of am I? Do I feel like I’m doing what’s right? Even though I know I am.
Becca: There is such thing as success intolerance. Like people will actually create issues, they will create problems. They will self-sabotage once they start feeling like they’re becoming successful. It’s just a human way of keeping ourselves safe, right? It’s like I’m constantly doing a check in with myself where I’m like okay. I’m becoming very successful. Money’s coming in. Am I safe? Yes. Am I allowing this to create problems in my private life? No, okay. How’s this looking? Like what’s happening around me? Really assessing why I’m feeling unsafe.
A lot of people don’t even realize they’re doing it. They’re just like becoming more successful and self-sabotaging at the same time in some way. Whether they’re deciding that it’s all failing. Whether they’re sabotaging their personal life, whatever it is. It’s all a form of success intolerance. Once we become tolerable to success, once we start seeing our self-concept as we are successful. We are safe. This is who we are. We don’t have to protect ourselves from this future version of ourselves. Then we start allowing so much more into our lives.
This doesn’t just happen in business. This happens in relationships. People have success intolerances in relationships. People that are single and then they get in a relationship that’s actually really good and really healthy, and they sabotage the shit out of it, right?
We have it with health. We start getting really fit, more fit than we’ve ever known ourselves to be. It doesn’t feel like us. It doesn’t feel like the identity that we have built up in our own heads. So we become intolerable to that success, and we start questioning whether or not it’s actually real. Do we deserve it? Is it possible that we’re just doing it all wrong? Blah, blah, blah.
I think this is what’s happening right now with you. I don’t think that you’re at the level of self-sabotage by any means. I think you’re just at the healthy level of I’m doing really big things, and it feels really scary. What if someone finds out that I’m doing it wrong?
Ella: Yeah. I’m sure I am.
Becca: Yeah, you should be.
Becca: You keep talking about doing it “wrong”, there’s no right answer to it. Like if you look at some of the biggest businesses and the biggest companies in the world, I swear to God they’re just like a person that started a company that now has a board of people that he talks to and makes big decisions on. Like everyone is just flying by the seat of their pants. Everyone is just making it up and doing their best to make sure that they’re abiding by the tax laws and the legal laws. Whatever. That’s what everybody’s doing.
So if you’re making it up as you go, you’re doing it right. As long as you aren’t hurting people and not doing anything completely illegal then you’re doing it.
Ella: Okay. All right. Doing it.
Becca: Did you get what you needed?
Becca: I think what you were looking for was allowance to feel this way. Am I right?
Ella: Oh 100%. Yeah. That’s a lot.
Becca: So go be sloppy.
Becca: Build it up. Make mistakes. Feel the feelings. Stay up at night with butterflies in your stomach. This is all going to be something that you look back on and love.
Ella: Oh yeah.
Becca: I love looking back on when I first started Massage Strong. It was like the most emotional, colorful, vibrant time in my life. It was so scary. So scary.
Ella: Yeah, yeah.
Becca: I wanted to throw up all the time.
Ella: That’s how it feels. I think actually thinking about if I were to not do this and stay where I am, that’s kind of like that same feedback I’m looking for if someone was to tell me I’m wrong. Like I don’t want to do that. That makes me feel the bad nervous feeling. So yeah. That makes me feel better too of this is scary, but it’s moving in the right direction.
Becca: Yeah. I always feel like the pain of using my potential is far less painful than the pain of not using my potential.
Becca: I’ve had periods where I’ve gotten so scared that I’ve like take a step back or quit a project. Then I get a taste of true pain, which is not using my potential or staying in the same place. It’s like unacceptable. That’s the pain I don’t ever want to feel. I would much rather feel the pain of being nervous, scared, not knowing if I’m doing it right. Having other people’s careers on the line. That kind of pain is doable because you’re always [inaudible].
Ella: Yeah. Feelings stuck is the worst feeling.
Becca: Yeah. All right before we go, do you have anything else?
Ella: No, I’m good.
Becca: You’re good?
Ella: Yeah. Thank you.
Becca: Go kick ass and build a big ass business and follow your dreams and do your thing.
Ella: Thank you Becca.
Becca: You’re very welcome. All right Ella. Have a good day. I’ll see you use.
Ella: You too. Bye.
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